Divorce Coaching

Making the Decision

When going through a divorce, it is important not to isolate yourself from the available support—turning to a mental health specialist can help encourage you to be constructive throughout this challenging time. Nancy Payne Lewis MA MFT is a divorce coach in California, specializing in helping people with the often difficult parts of getting divorced. These aspects include feelings of hurt and anger upon finding out, sadness when contemplating breaking up a home, confusion about parenting plans, and so much more.

You don’t have to go through this on your own. While lawyers understand the legal aspect of divorce, a divorce coach is specially trained to understand the emotional aspects of the breakup and reformation of a family.

Going Through the Process

Perhaps you already knew your marriage was on the rocks, or maybe you just figured it out. Whatever the circumstances, you’re bound to have many questions and experience a mix of emotions. Most people simply feel overwhelmed, but it’s important to know that your divorce coach will help you through these moments of doubt. Nancy takes the time to get to know you and understand your situation to provide you with the best possible help. She’ll ask questions such as:

Do you have children?
What is your financial situation?
Do you own a house or investments?
Do you have emotional support—a parent, a friend, a priest, or a minister?

Dignity and Respect

You’ve almost certainly heard of someone who has been ridiculed or humiliated during their divorce. Divorce coaching aims to help you and your spouse end your marriage with dignity and respect for one another. The marriage may be over, but the relationship isn’t—you still know how to push each other’s buttons.

When we feel threatened, we are more likely to react in two ways: fight or flight. Both of these reactions are positional and require a solid stance, but neither of them is likely to contribute constructively to the divorce procedures. The coaching process asks us to step back, gain perspective on the situation, and base our decisions on all parties’ needs.

Here are a few of the questions you should ask yourself:

What are our goals for our family when the divorce is finalized?
Can I learn divorce conflict resolution skills that allow me to respond rather than react to what the other party says?
Can I form a parenting plan that is fair, flexible, and based on the needs of our children?
Can I learn to co-parent so that our children can simply go between our homes?
Is it possible for me to teach my kids that it’s alright for them to have a relationship with my ex that isn’t associated with mine?

Letting Go of Anger, Fear, and Shame

Thirty years ago, the state of California recognized “no-fault divorce.” But in Nancy’s experience, one side frequently blames the other when a relationship ends. In many cases, both parties are responsible. Holding on to anger, fear, or shame, on the other hand, might slow or even hinder you from forgiving yourself and your spouse for what went wrong. Nancy can help make your divorce less painful, whether you choose a collaborative divorce or not.

As a divorce coach, Nancy reminds her clients who are going through divorce that the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. You will be more able to reach that state of indifference by experiencing and working through your feelings, no matter what they are. Yes, you may still have feelings for your ex, but those feelings won’t be running your life.

The Effects of Divorce on Children

Nancy is passionate about protecting children from the negative effects of divorce. Money is not their concern. They don’t need to think they are to blame, listen to your fights, meet your new partner, or relay messages. Your children simply need love and reassurance. They must understand that you care for them and that you will all get through this together.